Why are we ok with this?

Yesterday was quite a day, i got to hear ignorance, hatred, lies, and propaganda all in one short hour. I got to listen to this speech and witnessed a group of people eagerly nod their heads in approval and voice that they support such acts.

I haven't had a lot of money since my move to Denver, even though i now have work, the first paycheck isn't here just yet, and i was invited by a friend to a food bank to i could help contribute to the family that has taken me in and given me shelter.

At first, i thought that i would show up to a church after their services and pick up a box to take home. Maybe have a few kind words with the pastor, meet some new people, share some smiles, and witness some love and kindness. I got a box of food, and for that i am thankful, but every other hope i had about this encounter was shattered...

I arrived at the church with my friend who invited myself and my roommate, i waited in the parking lot for a few minutes with them, and my friend who invited me informed me that services were starting again in a few minutes, and then after we would be able to fill out some paperwork for some food. I was somewhat apprehensive, mainly because i have different philosophical and logical opinions with the church, and i wasn't sure if i would feel comfortable. But me, always with an open mind, went inside and attended the service. It started like any other service i was forced to go to as a child, we stood, we sang a song, and prayed. Then the pastor had us take our seats and he started his sermon.

I would love to go into grand detail about this, but i think that it would do nothing more than piss me off even more. Most of this "holy man's" sermon was about people need to give to the church. Looking around me i saw alot of people that had on old, worn clothes, i could see the sadness in their eyes, they were people who were living in worse conditions than what i have lived in, and they just wanted a little food to feed themselves and their families. But the pastor persisted, calling people out in the middle of everyone asking if they were going to give. He carried on like this for quite sometime, talking about money, money, money. This church wasn't a typical fancy church, it was actually in a very old building and judging from the outside, was in a bad state of disrepair. The people that were around me werent wearing suits, or gold watches, or lovely dresses, they were wearing what they had.

He continued on, then damning a list of retail stores that should be boycotted and shut down, because they say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. He continued on and on how satan has a hold of these places and they shouldnt have anyones money. What really got me at this point is that this son of a bitch didnt even give two cents about the people working for those companies, who are not making alot of money in those jobs, but its the jobs they have to support themselves, and without those jobs, they may be in a worse spot.

He continued even further, talking about how he doesn't take money from the church, but he has his own job, and makes good money, because he works for god. Right in front of these poor, inner city people, he was rubbing his success right in their faces. What my friend told me later was, not only does he make good money at this job, but because he's a pastor, he takes personal donations from stores all around the city for his own gain, things like new refrigerators, washers, dryers, TVs, and he takes them freely because he is a "man of god".

So what i want to know is, where is god in these peoples lives that i sat with through this sermon, where is their new TVs, and washers, and dryers, and great paying jobs? Why weren't these things donated to the families that really needed it instead of being taken by a man who brags about his salary, and then still takes freebies when he could afford them on his own? I thought this country was founded on freedom of religion, yet people who claim to be holy leaders demand that stores be shut down because it doesnt agree with their one tiny little book? Newsflash ass hole, your christmas, and most of your other "holy days" were celebrated centuries before your messiah (who btw, is not recorded in any other part in history except the bible, unlike many other prophets who actually existed) was "born". We are supposed to be living in a free country, where we can believe whatever faith we want, and if a store or business wishes to honor ALL faiths during this time, then they are more moral and open minded than you will ever be. What sickens me the most is that you were telling all these poor people around me that they had to give all they could to YOUR church! Then you god would magically shit out some miracles and make their lives perfect, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. There is a reason religion is a cancer on our world, and its because of people like him. Religion has done nothing beneficial to the world in my eyes, it has only brought war, slaughter, betrayal, hatred, and lies. It has held back the progression of mankind. People out there have different opinions than my own, and i respect and keep an open mind to everyone's beliefs, but supporting beliefs like that, saying that your way is the only way you can be helped and "saved" is not only so fucking arrogant i cant even think strait about it, but its also the biggest steaming pile of bullshit that i have ever seen in my life. Religion needs to stay the fuck out of education, politics, government, and most of all, the progression of our species. To that pastor, who i cant even remember your name, fuck you, and all you represent.

Just need to write

Things have been a little strange over the past few days. For the most part, things have been really good, I had my first career level interview, went out and had an amazing time with some friends at a bar, started cooking up new ideas for amtgard, laughed, smiled, learned, and taught.

In my quiet moments though, I have been getting moments of anger, some of the hurt still bubbles to the surface, and to make matters worse, my dreams have been about the events that have happened over the past couple of months. Those dreams are always so vivid. So real in fact, they almost become lucid. When i wake up, for the first few moments of the day, I find myself angry. Thoughts going through my head that i dont want there.

To put it plainly, im pissed off. pissed off at the fact its hard for me to be able to put myself out there again, im pissed off that i have lost alot of confidence in my abilities. pissed off that when i have thought about dating someone, even casually, i start to get the thoughts that they will treat me the same way as others have, and i am lacking in trust. pissed off that alot of my relationships have resulted in me being a stepping stone. I get angry when i go above and beyond what is expected for the women i have said i loved, (and not because i have to, but because its who i am,) and i get tossed aside like trash. Im pissed that people thought it was ok to lie, bullshit, use, and manipulate me. Then when around my close friends and family pretend like there is nothing wrong. Im pissed at these people who play the victim card at every turn, just to turn the blame from themselves, to pretend that they live a good, honest, and happy life, when in fact they are sick, toxic, and broken people. People that i truly believe that when the truth is staring at them right in the face, they will turn the blind eye, because they are so used to the life they have, they cant see that there is something so much greater out there.

Am i perfect? Far from it, i have made mistakes, and big ones at that. but for every mistake, every fuck up, i have learned from it, and i dont repeat the same mistake again. i try to wake up every morning and be a better person than i was the day before, i do everything in my power to love the people around me. i seek to forgive those who have wronged me, but how far should my forgivness go? should i be ok with hating someone? should i do to them what they did to me? fuck up their lives? cause them chaos and pain like they did to me? should i lash out?

Those have been the questions on my mind lately, i have always despised hating someone, its not in my nature, its not who i am. But in my quiet moments, when its just me, i think about these things. Can hatred for another person be justified? Is there a point to say that its ok to wish ill on someone? Its hard for me to wrap my brain around things like that, but i cant help but think that in some situations, it might be ok.

Transitions of Emotions

I've had alot to do and alot going on over the past few months. It seems that i have experienced every emotion in the human condition over such a short time. I am ok with myself, this isnt some "poor me" rant, more like opinions about how we, as people, act towards each other.

Over the past couple of months, i have been cheated on multiple times, lied to, and betrayed. I lost my job, ive been taken complete advantage of, and right now i am barely keeping my head above water. I have seen people i consider my family going through the same things at the same time. Most of the people i know, were acting out in anger, hate, and aggression. I have a friend that is facing felony charges for beating up and guy that slept with his girlfriend, i have another friend that is drowning himself with drugs and booze because of stress, and another friend that is doing everything that he can to still try to control and manipulate situations to try to still get what he wants out of a girl that dumped him months ago.
Me, well i had a bad couple of days when things fell apart, but i picked myself up, looked at my errors in things, and started moving on. Ive also tried to look at the things that people have done to me, and through a kind heart, wished them the best, and hoped that they wouldn't have to do those things to another person. I forgave them of their actions, and in a couple of cases, even considered pursuing a friendship with one of these people.

My older brother, my sister, and several friends, have recently asked me how i can be so forgiving to people, how i can be so kind to people even though they have spat in my face. Where my hope and love for humanity comes from. To be honest, I don't know. Its the way i have always been. I have always thought that people are not evil, people are just imperfect. People make mistakes. Regardless of crimes or acts committed, i believe all people have good inside of them. Please, don't get me wrong, if a person commits a heinous act, they should have a fitting punishment. But i always think to myself, when i have been wronged, where that person came from, what events could have happened in their life that could have effected how they act towards others. Something in their mind has been able to justify lying when faced with an honest truth, something at one point removed a small part of their reasoning and rational thought to make how they treat people OK. When most people are wronged, i have seen at least, they will act out in anger, or complete detachment. But for me, i get fascinated, i wonder why, i wanna pick apart every action that person has done towards me and try to understand their logic in doing what they do. When i get the answers that make sense to me, i form a conclusion, and decide if having that person in my life is healthy for me, and for them, or if i would be better off separating completely, and hope that they might get better learning what life lessons they need to learn. But before i can do that, i forgive that person, completely. I do my best to acknowledge my deeds, and experience the emotions that come with acts such as this. Through the last couple of months, i have been angry, sad, lonely, depressed, heartbroken, and in despair. BUT i have also been happy, i have smiled, i have laughed, i have felt the love of my friends and family. The good times have been way more frequent that the bad. And when i realize i am having a bad moment, or a sad time, i remember that this is only a moment in the rest of my life, it doesn't need to fill my day, or week or month, its a moment, fleeting, and temporary. People that do wrong to another person, with the exception of extreme cases and crimes, are just like those feelings, they are temporary, they are fleeting. They will pass in and out of your life time and time again, but love, happiness, compassion and forgiveness, those last alot longer, and are more beneficial than letting a person who has wronged you live rent free in your thoughts, keeping you in a pit of anger and sadness. Giving a person like that only weakens you and distracts you from what is important, yourself.