Just need to write

Things have been a little strange over the past few days. For the most part, things have been really good, I had my first career level interview, went out and had an amazing time with some friends at a bar, started cooking up new ideas for amtgard, laughed, smiled, learned, and taught.

In my quiet moments though, I have been getting moments of anger, some of the hurt still bubbles to the surface, and to make matters worse, my dreams have been about the events that have happened over the past couple of months. Those dreams are always so vivid. So real in fact, they almost become lucid. When i wake up, for the first few moments of the day, I find myself angry. Thoughts going through my head that i dont want there.

To put it plainly, im pissed off. pissed off at the fact its hard for me to be able to put myself out there again, im pissed off that i have lost alot of confidence in my abilities. pissed off that when i have thought about dating someone, even casually, i start to get the thoughts that they will treat me the same way as others have, and i am lacking in trust. pissed off that alot of my relationships have resulted in me being a stepping stone. I get angry when i go above and beyond what is expected for the women i have said i loved, (and not because i have to, but because its who i am,) and i get tossed aside like trash. Im pissed that people thought it was ok to lie, bullshit, use, and manipulate me. Then when around my close friends and family pretend like there is nothing wrong. Im pissed at these people who play the victim card at every turn, just to turn the blame from themselves, to pretend that they live a good, honest, and happy life, when in fact they are sick, toxic, and broken people. People that i truly believe that when the truth is staring at them right in the face, they will turn the blind eye, because they are so used to the life they have, they cant see that there is something so much greater out there.

Am i perfect? Far from it, i have made mistakes, and big ones at that. but for every mistake, every fuck up, i have learned from it, and i dont repeat the same mistake again. i try to wake up every morning and be a better person than i was the day before, i do everything in my power to love the people around me. i seek to forgive those who have wronged me, but how far should my forgivness go? should i be ok with hating someone? should i do to them what they did to me? fuck up their lives? cause them chaos and pain like they did to me? should i lash out?

Those have been the questions on my mind lately, i have always despised hating someone, its not in my nature, its not who i am. But in my quiet moments, when its just me, i think about these things. Can hatred for another person be justified? Is there a point to say that its ok to wish ill on someone? Its hard for me to wrap my brain around things like that, but i cant help but think that in some situations, it might be ok.